Polar Bears Are Brilliant
by RoEleventyone
Summary: Following a damaging crash, the crew of MJN find themselves working at a zoo to raise enough money to pay for GERTI's repairs. In which shenanigans ensue, love blossoms, and it is once and for all confirmed that polar bears are brilliant. (Martin/Douglas, oneshot, T to be safe)


**A/N: This is my first Martin/Douglas fic (so sorry if it's bad). Written because I'm procrastinating on my other CP fic, Wellington - dear anyone who reads that, I'm sorry, I have no ideas at the minute. So here is fluffiness instead!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Cabin Pressure, nor do I profit. CP remains the creation of the wonderful John Finnemore, and is brought to the world by the BBCEEeeee! Neither of which I happen to be. **

Douglas regarded his uniform with distaste. It was at times like this that he particularly missed being a pilot. _He missed being a pilot all the time_, spoke up a corner of his mind, which he ignored. Best not to dwell on it. Only three more months, and they would have enough money to pay for GERTI to be repaired and all would be well.

Still, there were days when he would have given almost anything to be First Officer Douglas Richardson again. Or anyone other than Doug the Trainee Zookeeper.

Sighing, he pulled on the baggy khaki monstrosity and headed out the door.

ooo

Halfway to work, the Doctor Who theme started up. Douglas picked up his mobile lethargically. It was bad practise to talk on the phone and drive at the same time. Douglas did it just to annoy Martin. Even when Martin wasn't there to see him, it always made Douglas smile to imagine his captain- _former captain_- complaining about it.

"Hello?"

"You're late."

"Carolyn! My favorite morning conversationalist. May I just comment on how delightfully eloquent and loquacious you are being today." Douglas couldn't help letting his irritation with Carolyn bleed into his voice. It was silly to be angry at her. After all, it wasn't her fault that GERTI had crashed and now they were all working for a zoo to earn the money to fix her. Well, actually, the zoo was her fault. But mostly, Douglas just needed someone to take his frustration out on.

"Shut up and listen," said Carolyn matter-of-factly. "You are late for work."

"A wizard is never late, Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"Well, luckily for the world, you are not a wizard. You are a zookeeper. And you are a late one."

Carolyn sounded more snappish than usual, mused Douglas. He glanced at the clock in the car- the glowing digits announced that it was 08:33. "It's only half eight, Carolyn. Our shift doesn't start until nine fifteen."

"I know that! We are having a pre-work discussion meeting. For which you are late. Three minutes late and counting. Don't you check your emails?"

As a matter of fact, Douglas hadn't checked his emails- he'd completely forgotten. No need to let Carolyn know that. "Must be a fault with the internet connection. I'll have it looked at."

"I can always tell when you're lying," announced Carolyn.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. It's any time you open your mouth and words come out."

"Ha ha," drawled Douglas. "Well, I'm on my way; I should be there in about ten minutes."

"Hurry up. Martin's already here."

Martin's voice crackled in the background. "Hello, Douglas!" By contrast to Carolyn, Martin sounded positively chipper this morning - a thought which brought a smile to Douglas' face. If Douglas had caught sight of that smile in the rear view mirror, he would have been taken aback. It was not the trademark Douglas superior smirk, or even the grin of enjoying a good joke. It was a wide, fond, involuntary, _sappy_ smile.

"Yes, well, I'll see you in ten minutes." Douglas hung up the phone.

ooo

Douglas signed in and made his way through the gates. A pair of cockatoos sneered at him, squawking raucously behind their mesh.

"I know I look ridiculous, there's no need to rub it in," Douglas told them. He'd never understand why zoos had a bird section anyway. It wasn't as if they were interesting. Martin, of course, liked them, and had regaled them all with the story of how he had once spent a whole trip to the zoo crying beside the aviary because the birds couldn't fly away. "Trapped in a zoo and unable to fly away. Just like us," Douglas muttered.

"Douglas! Over here!" Arthur was standing by a statue of a gorilla, looking ridiculously excited. Behind him, Carolyn was scowling into a styrofoam cup of coffee and Martin was sitting primly on a wooden bench.

"Morning, all," said Douglas airily, lowering himself onto the bench beside Martin. Arthur bounded over, grinning manically.

"Right," said Carolyn briskly. "Now that we are all here - finally - I have some good news and some bad news."

"Aw, Mum! It's brilliant news!" Arthur cried, grinning from ear to ear. "Honestly, chaps. You'll never guess. But it's brilliant."

"The good news is, you no longer have to spend your days cleaning the lemur pens."

"Oh, thank god," said Martin. "I think they might have been giving me an allergy, actually. Can people be allergic to lemurs?"

Douglas smirked affectionately at his captain. "Let's face it - if anyone could, you would be."

"But that's not even the best bit!" said Arthur excitedly.

"Oh?" queried Douglas. "I thought that no more lemurs would be the good news. Are you saying it was the bad news?"

"No," Carolyn said. "The bad news is, instead of cleaning lemur pens, you will be spending your time facing the risk of a bloody death."

"What?!" Martin squeaked.

"We've had an exhibit relocation," explained Carolyn. "One of the senior people retired and they were looking for someone to take over, so I told them we would - it earns more, and doesn't involve any lemurs."

Douglas attempted to summon up an interest in the situation. "And dare one ask what it does involve?" It was no good - his voice was still coming out bored and lofty.

"POLAR BEARS!" exploded Arthur triumphantly. "We get to be with the polar bears! In their exhibit! I told you it was brilliant! And they wanted some people to do talks about the polar bears while other people fed them! And that's what we get to do!"

Douglas looked at Carolyn for confirmation. It could be worse, he decided - at least it wasn't the lemurs. And the more they were paid, the sooner they could get back to flying.

Martin was frowning. "We have to do a feeding demonstration and informative talk? But we aren't qualified to do that. Not to mention, none of us actually know anything about polar bears."

"I do!" chimed in Arthur manically. "I know all those bear facts, remember? From Qikik. . . kik. . . kik. . . - that place with the funny name."

"Qikiqtarjuaq," corrected Carolyn automatically. "I know that, Martin, but they don't. And besides, it's a great opportunity. We each earn more, and we get to keep any tips we get."

Martin frowned, clearly fighting an inner battle between desire to follow all the rules and the desire to fix GERTI as soon as possible. Douglas watched Martin's turmoil and felt a wave of sympathy. If the last few months had been tedious and irksome for Douglas, what must they have been like for Martin, whose only dream was to fly?

"Alright," said Martin worriedly, at last. "What the hell. Polar bears it is."

"Hurray!" Arthur cheered.

ooo

The polar bear enclosure contained a broad, rough rocky area and an expanse of water. Currently, its two inhabitants were lying on the rocks, looking somewhat disgruntled. As they approached, one of the them padded over to the water and splashed in.

"Wooow," said Arthur reverently, pressing his nose to the glass.

"Alright," said Carolyn busily. "Here is the scoop. We have a scripted talk containing the facts, which you may elaborate on as you wish. Food is in that cupboard. Here are the keys to said cupboard. Your talks are at ten, one and three. Your roles are thus: Arthur will stand around looking official and not doing anything. Martin will read the talk. Douglas will enter the pen and feed the polar bears. I will be getting coffee with Herc."

"Carolyn!" complained Martin. "You do realise that - "

Douglas cut across Martin. "Carolyn? I propose a small amendment to this plan. The amendment runs thus: _Douglas_ will do the talk, while _Martin_ enters the enclosure and feeds the polar bears."

"What? Why?" asked Carolyn.

"Because whilst either of us could read from a sheet, I will be able to make a charismatic and entertaining talk and thus attract tips," answered Douglas' mouth. _Because I would rather not get mauled or touch dead polar bear food, and because it will give me the chance to make lots of affectionate references about Martin in my talk without him overhearing, and because Martin looks rather charming in a zookeeper's outfit and I would like to admire him from afar_, announced Douglas' thoughts.

Oh. Where had that come from? It was true, Martin's uniform did sit quite well on his frame, and set off his sweetly curling ginger hair, but why on earth had Douglas thought it? Douglas had caught himself thinking about Martin quite a lot recently, and it was confusing him. The concept of attraction was nothing new to Douglas. Nor was the concept of Martin. But until recently, they had been mutually exclusive concepts. Until recently. When 'attractive' and 'Martin' had stopped being separate concepts and fused into one 'attractive-Martin', all smooth limbs and ginger curls and bow lips, endearing awkwardness and tease-able pedantry and unexpected wit. His captain was piloting his thoughts frequently these days.

"Douglas!" Martin's voice broke into his thoughts. He shook his head, peeved to have been caught zoning out.

"Hmm?" responded Douglas. Martin was watching him, with a similar expression to that of Arthur watching the polar bears. Carolyn was gone.

"She went to have coffee with Herc," Martin told him. "And left us to get eaten alive by polar bears."

"I'm sure you'll be safe," said Douglas. "Unless of course you happen to be a baby seal." That was a big mistake. Now Douglas' head was full of images of Martin as a seal pup. The adorableness was too much to handle.

"Well, we've got a while till our first talk. I think we should review the documents. See what there is to know about polar bears," said Martin bossily.

Douglas was about to refuse on principle, but was persuaded by the glint in Martin's eye to change his mind. Martin hadn't looked so happy since the last time they'd flown. "Very well. As the Captain commands," said Douglas, and was rewarded by a smirk from the younger man.

ooo

At a quarter to ten, Martin began fretting, got everything ready, gave Douglas and Arthur a briefing, and gave the polar bears his best assertive stare.

"Ready, Martin?" asked Douglas. "Pre-bear checks complete?" He'd found that using flight routine expressions comforted both himself and Martin. Even calling Martin "Sir" these days was likely to attract a smile.

"Um. Yes." Martin was staring at the polar bears with an expression of extreme worry. "It's just I don't think that this would constitute best safety procedure."

"And when has that ever stopped us?" Douglas asked. "Go on, Martin. You'll be fine. I'm sure they won't eat you. Regardless of how delicious you look."

Damn and blast! Douglas hadn't meant to let that slip out. He was positive that Martin would not respond well to comments of that nature. Either he'd think Douglas was making fun of him and get angry and upset, or he'd be entirely embarrassed and scared off and never want to speak to Douglas again.

To Douglas' infinite surprise, neither of the two happened. Before Douglas had finished inwardly cringing, Martin had straightened his back, given a hint of a pleased smile and marched determinedly over to the polar bear enclosure.

Just then, Arthur skipped over. "Ooh, well done, Douglas!"

"What?" said Douglas, nonplussed.

"At complimenting Skip!" said Arthur enthusiastically. "I didn't think you'd want to risk it yet. But he took it well! Don't you think?"

"Arthur," began Douglas dangerously. "What do you think about Martin and I?"

"Well, that you're in love with him!" Arthur explained. "You are, aren't you? I told Mum I thought so but she said not to be silly. But you're exhibiting all of the signs that they told me about in the course in understanding people in Ipswich!"

Douglas stared at Arthur. In love with Martin? Granted, he had been thinking about Martin quite a lot recently. . . in what might be described as a friendly manner. . . possibly an affectionate manner. . . nay, a romantic one. . . oh, sod it. He was. He had to have gone and fallen in love with his twenty-year younger, pernickety, ex-Captain.

Arthur was watching him with a knowing expression. Douglas gave Arthur an appraising glance. "Alright. For once in your life, Arthur, you are right. I am in love with Martin."

"Told you so," said Arthur smugly. "You see? I'm not a clot _all_ the time."

Douglas shot Arthur a black look. "Nobody must know. Particularly not Martin." The last thing he needed was to have Martin running away from him screaming. It wouldn't make for a very handy professional relationship.

"Well, if you say so, Douglas!" said Arthur, in his I-think-you're-wrong voice. "But Skip really likes you. . . "

"Douglas!" Martin's anxious hiss distracted Douglas from his thoughts. "It's time to start the demonstration!"

ooo

Douglas was fed up of being confused in love. It didn't suit him. He'd made it through three wives without any confusion whatsoever. Trust Martin to be difficult. Gritting his teeth, Douglas resolved to have sorted himself out by the end of the talk.

So far as he could tell with his back to the pen, Martin was doing quite well in feeding the polar bears. Douglas was enjoying doing the talk more than he'd thought he would- it was surprisingly like doing passenger announcements on GERTI.

"Polar bears mainly eat seals, and occasionally walruses or whales. Today's menu for our zoo specimens, however, consists of mysterious "Nutritious Bear Food Max", fed to them by my charming young colleague, Martin." An elderly lady in the front row of the crowd smiled at him, and Douglas continued, encouraged. "Martin has quite a history with polar bears. Why, one time when he was in the French Foreign Legion, he faced a polar bear in the wild, armed only with an egg-whisk and a pogo stick!" There were some slightly sceptical chuckles. Martin, hearing him, turned to shake his head at the crowd, looking torn between exasperation and amusement.

"However, I hope that they won't get too close today," Douglas continued. "I fear he has left his pogo stick at home, and I would hate for anything to happen to him. In fact, I couldn't _bear_ it."

There was a chuckle from the assembled people. Douglas was beginning to smirk, revelling in the attention - when he was interrupted by a piercing scream from the back of the crowd.

"Douglas!" shouted Arthur, his voice distorted with fear. Douglas wheeled around, fear slamming into his chest like a cannonball. Martin had tripped and fallen - trust Martin, commented Douglas' ever-cynical side - and the food had fallen all over him. One of the bears was padding towards him, almost lazily.

"Um, Douglas, do you think you could possibly -" came the worried voice of Martin-doing–his-best-not-to-panic. "Actually this is quite bad. I don't think I can get up and there's nothing I can do to - oh, god, Douglas, help me? Any time soon would be REALLY RATHER QUITE -"

Martin's increasingly hysterical voice was cut off by a strangled yell from the enclosure. The bear's jaws had closed around Martin's shoulder. Martin was letting out a constricted whimpering noise, plainly too terrified to do anything.

As a fifty-nine year old man who spent most of his time sitting, Douglas didn't think he had ever moved so fast. Every thought in his head was wiped out and replaced with a scalding, white-hot panic and anger. He was dimly aware of Arthur shouting "No! Stop! Eating Skip is NOT BRILLIANT!", some kids in the crowd screaming, and the rough feel of bear under his boot as he kicked it away from his captain. Martin's form felt solid and comforting in his arms as he scooped him up and scrambled out of the enclosure, his heart hammering.

Douglas laid Martin on the ground and bent over him, examining his shoulder with the panic of an ex-medical student. What if he hadn't learned enough to help Martin? Martin's shallow gasps were not helping his concentration.

The hideous uniform, thankfully, had borne the brunt of the bite. There was only a slight graze on Martin's shoulder, from which a tiny trickle of blood was leaking. Douglas felt an immense relief crash over him. "Thank the gods," he said, hardly aware that he was saying it, "thank goodness. You're okay, Martin." He stroked his captain's face, noting with mildly detached interest that his hands were shaking.

A second later, Arthur was beside them, his face drawn and white. "Skip! Are you okay?!"

Douglas withdrew his hand from Martin's cheek, chiding himself for dropping professional manner. "He's fine, Arthur. All in one piece. Clearly our captain doesn't taste good." Douglas' attempt at a casual tone was stuttered with his relieved breathing.

Martin's voice was faint and shuddery, but still ever-so-slightly determined. "I thought you said I looked delicious."

Something snapped inside Douglas. His restraint, perhaps. Maybe his wits. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Martin's, noting with surprise the fireworks going off inside him, and with satisfaction that his captain's lips were as soft as he'd imagined. What surprised Douglas most, however, was the enthusiasm with which Martin responded- particularly for someone who'd just been attacked by a polar bear. Then again, if Douglas had learned one thing, it was not to underestimate his captain's tenacity.

When they finally broke apart, there was a chorus of "Aaah"s from the assembled crowd, led by a resounding "BRILLIANT!" on Arthur's part. Douglas ignored them and concentrated on smiling at Martin. "I was right. You are delicious. That polar bear doesn't know what it's missing out on."

Martin was grinning up at Douglas, looking happier than the first officer had ever seen him. "Ahem," he said, putting on his businesslike captain voice. "Douglas, would you be my boyfriend?"

Douglas mock-scowled at Martin, who suddenly lost a lot of confidence. "Oh god, that sounded stupid! I'm sorry! I meant. Um. Lover? Oh, god, that's even worse! Um, partner? First officer- no, you're already that! What if you don't even want to!"

"Martin," said Douglas firmly. "Listen to me. I would be delighted and proud to be your boyfriend, lover, partner and first officer. Provided, of course, that you will be my captain. I was just rather disappointed that I didn't get to ask you. Captain's privilege, I suppose." Douglas was finding it rather difficult to stop beaming smugly.

"Oh," said Martin wonderingly. "Good. In that case -"

Douglas leaned in and kissed him again. "I believe the phrase you're looking for is 'Let's fly some plane'?" Martin blushed an adorably pink color. Douglas smirked predatorily. Making Martin blush was too delightful.

The moment was interrupted by the arrival of Carolyn, who came blazing in to stand over them, Herc in tow. "What is going on here! I leave you alone for an hour and suddenly Martin's been eaten by a polar bear and now you two are - are -"

"'Shagging'?" supplied Douglas dryly, purely to revel at Carolyn's expression.

"Oh god. Carolyn." Martin tried to leap to his feet and fell back to the ground, wincing. "In a relationship! What he means to say is, we are in a relationship. Romantically." Through the awkwardness, Martin's voice was tinged with pride.

"See, Mum? I told you so!" Arthur chirped.

Douglas watched in amusement as Carolyn fought down a smile and threw up her hands in mock-exasperation. "At least I only have to pay for one room on flyovers now."

Herc stepped forward smoothly. "What she means to say is, congratulations. We hope you'll be very happy."

"Does she indeed?" said Douglas, with an air of mock-surprise.

"No, I don't," snapped Carolyn. "But in all honesty, Douglas - I want you to listen to me. If you hurt Martin in any way, you will have me to answer to. Understood?"

Martin was listening to Arthur's enthusiastic description of the bear's attack, and smiling slightly as he tried to convince Arthur that polar bears were still brilliant. Douglas watched him for a while, smiling slightly, and turned to Carolyn. "I'd sooner die." Rarely was Douglas Richardson's voice sincere. This was one of those times.

"Very well then," said Carolyn briskly. "Congratulations, I suppose."

ooo

As it turned out, Martin's ankle had been twisted when he fell, leaving him with a rather nasty sprain. Douglas had gone to the zoo manager with a lawyer and left a lot of threats, and come away with a stack of paperwork to be filled in.

ooo

Two weeks later, Douglas pulled into his driveway, whistling smugly. Martin was sitting at his kitchen table drinking coffee when he got home. "Welcome home, Douglas!"

"How terribly domestic," quipped Douglas, striding over to greet him with a kiss. "'Honey, I'm home!'"

"Did you have a lovely day at the office?" Martin complied.

"Terribly busy. Are the twins asleep?" Douglas was smirking so much he could hardly speak.

"Ella went to bed early, but… um… Gerti? didn't want to go to sleep until papa was here to give him a goodnight kiss," said Martin.

"'_Gerti_'," drawled Douglas. "You named our imaginary son after our _airplane_?"

Martin flushed. "It's a perfectly acceptable name for a child! I thought it was customary to name children after someone important to their parents. And besides, this whole scenario is ridiculous! It's only four in the afternoon - why would the children be asleep?"

"I was presuming you'd drugged them," shrugged Douglas.

"Drugged!?" yelped Martin. "Who drugs their children into sleeping?!"

"Well, you were the one who told me they were asleep. I was merely extrapolating from the data provided."

"Why would you ask whether they were asleep at four o clock?!" demanded Martin.

"Maybe you drug them frequently," Douglas suggested. "And I don't want to pick you up on it for fear you may become unhinged and drug then murder me, too."

"Oh, excellent. Let's never become parents," said Martin grumpily.

Douglas kissed him again. "I didn't mean it. I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mother."

"Oh, so now you're forcing me into prescribed feminine roles? I know you're used to having a wife, Douglas, but you are my first officer and as such I think that makes me the husband."

Douglas sank onto the floor, chuckling. He'd never been in a relationship that was simultaneously so hard and so easy. He looked up, to see Martin beginning to grin ruefully.

Martin dropped to the floor beside him. "I love you, Douglas."

Douglas felt his bones melt with happiness. He thought about telling Martin that he loved Martin too, that he never wanted to be without Martin, that Martin was the dearest thing in his life. Instead, he merely ruffled his captain's hair. "You're a conundrum, captain. I love you too - god knows why." He had, he had come to realise, been teasing Martin to express his love for him throughout nearly all their time of flying together. No need to stop now.

Martin was beaming at him, looking as happy as if he'd heard Douglas' thoughts. Perhaps he had. _A spirit too delicate/ to act her earthy and abhorred commands_, that was Martin.

Douglas pulled himself together before the moment became too sappy or before he abandoned what he needed to say in the interests of kissing Martin senseless. "I've brought you a present."

"Oh?" Martin was instantly defensive. "Douglas, you really didn't need to..."

Douglas hushed him. "Ah, but you forget, I never do anything unless it will benefit myself as well. And I would be extremely disappointed if you were to refuse this." He held out an envelope.

Martin opened it meticulously, and pulled out a piece of paper. "'Dear Mr Richardson. Further to the visit from your lawyer and the forms completed to our satisfaction, we have evaluated your claim, and enclose your compensation with our sincerest apologies for the incident.'" Douglas, what-"

"Inside the envelope, Martin," said Douglas patiently. He watched with satisfaction as Martin fumbled it open and extracted a mass of bank notes.

"Where did we-" Martin's surprised voice was replaced by suspicion. "Douglas, you haven't been smuggling again, have you?"

"In what? The zoo kiddie train?" said Douglas sarcastically. "I filed a complaint against the zoo management for neglecting employee safety. This is your compensation."

"For being mauled by a polar bear?"

"Technically it's for injuries caused by the fall. If we'd said 'polar bear', the zoo might have had to put it down as dangerous, and I'd imagine that Arthur would have something to say about that. But yes."

"Oh," said Martin, his expression clearing. "Well, that's good, then. Hang on- Douglas? How much is there here?" Martin's voice was constrained, but his eyes were desperately hopeful. Douglas paused, savouring the sight, until Martin gave an impatient whimper.

"Funnily enough, it's exactly the right amount to pay for a complete repair of a rather badly broken–down Lockheed McDonnell aircraft. Do you happen to have one of those lying around?" Douglas' mock-casual voice was belied by his enormous grin.

"We can fix her?" whispered Martin incredulously. "We can fix GERTI, straight away? And go back to flying?"

"Yes, captain. We most CERTAINLY can."

"YES!" shouted Martin, beginning to laugh in hysterical relief. "I can't believe it! That's amazing! Thank you, thank you so much!"

Douglas smiled as Martin flung his arms around him. "Well, I think you deserve some thanks too. After all, if you hadn't been there to be attacked by a polar bear, we'd never have managed it."

"Ha ha," said Martin sarcastically. "Have you told Carolyn and Arthur?"

"Not yet," Douglas said. "I wanted you to be the first to know."

"Well, this will make Arthur happy," said Martin. "He was having trouble restoring his faith in polar bears. But this particular bear appears to have done us a favour."

"Indeed," said Douglas, smiling at his captain. "In a way, we have this bear to thank for sparing your life, for starting our relationship, and for fixing our airplane." He picked up his mobile. "Hello, Arthur? You were right."

"Wow! Again?" came Arthur's tinny voice.

"Yes," said Douglas happily. "Polar bears ARE brilliant."

**A/N: Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! Contains various extremely obvious references to LotR and The Tempest; virtual cupcakes to anyone who gets them. Comments and reviews are lovely. -Ro :)**


End file.
